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Kyle Just Found Out He Missed Out on 3 Internships Because He Never Checked His Fucking Email

LITTLE ROCK — Kyle Schultz, a rising junior at the University of Arkansas, recently checked his student email for the first time this summer only to realize he’d actually been offered three of the five internships he applied for this summer. 

“I was starting getting really down on myself after no one responded to my resumes,” said Schultz, holding his head in his lap. “I figured if NBC or Chuck E. Cheese really wanted me, they would have at least picked up the phone. But now I wished I just looked!”

Emily Vanderbilt, Schultz’s girlfriend, hasn’t spoken to him in three days after learning that her boyfriend is complete idiot. 

“I mean, if he can’t even figure out how get an internship, he probably doesn’t even know how to tie his shoes,” Vanderbilt said. “How have I not noticed this?”

While logged in to his account, Schultz also learned he’d accumulated a $300 fine at his university’s library. A fine he could have paid for if he’d accepted one of these internships.

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