The most recent trend of large college boys lunging themselves from elevated surfaces into tables like they’re WWE wrestlers has been a gut-wrenching reality for tables who are helpless during these times of drunkenness and are well aware that they’ve done nothing wrong to deserve them being broken in half.
“I know what I signed up for being a table on a college campus,” the table said. “I’m there to hold Solo cups and be a surface for cocaine, but it breaks my heart and actual body that a large boy has decided his ultimate purpose is to jump into me. It’s horrifying my own family has to watch their parent get tortured and be turned into a Barstool Instagram video. I wish these jumpers had the nerve to at least move my children–Coffee, End, and Side–to another room because they’re too young to see what happens when they grow into a full-sized table like me.”
Due to college students being unsure of how to properly dispose of an item like a table, they will throw what’s left of the poor table off of a roof to drunken cheers egging them on.
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