Pi Kappa Alpha senior Logan Thomas expressed his apathy regarding Category 4 Hurricane Florence Tuesday evening, as he browsed the unthreatened stockpiles of Powerade and whey protein at the crowded local Walmart.
Thomas, possibly misunderstanding the Saffir-Simpson hurricane scale spectrum, is not even slightly worried about the ominous storm headed for the east coast.
“Dude, all these dumb pledges and girls think it’s like the apocalypse here. Look, that’s my freakin’ teacher!” said an amused Thomas as a middle-aged woman hurried toward the cashier with the store’s last case of water. “Hurricanes hit every year and everyone’s always freaking out, but I’m just chillin’.”
The hurricane, which forced much of the east coast into a preemptive state of emergency, is said to have the some of the strongest recorded winds in the Atlantic to date.
“Like, are you kidding me? I ain’t scared of no ‘canes,” continued Thomas. “Besides, I only fuck with tens,” he smirked while eyeballing his own biceps.
When reminded that this ‘cane is in reference to the impending Hurricane Florence, for which there have been plans for historical evacuations, Thomas claimed his only worry is finding a willing “Tinder bih” to leave her house and “chill” with him this weekend.
“The lowest I’ll go is a seven,” added Thomas, his mind likely still on females rather than the category 4 hurricane. “Anything lower than that isn’t worth my time–“
As students prepare for Irma Florence, they recall last year’s category 5 Hurricane Irma, which caused destructive fallen trees and days long power outages.
“My boys and I threw this freakin’ rager in the house for the last one. We’re forever grateful for that storm ‘cause we needed the lights out anyway,” said Thomas.
For now, school is still in session as students, faculty, and probably the government officials keep a watchful eye on the weather channel. Stay safe.
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