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Way-Too-Early Predictions For the 2018 College Football Season

Well, college football is officially over. Alabama won, and honestly, are we all that surprised? After all, either Georgia or Alabama had to win, so the odds of either of them winning were pretty good. Excited and drunk on the feeling that comes with fall football, The Black Sheep has five of the the most accurate predictions for the 2018 college football season.

5.) Alabama’s athletic department will finally tear the skin off the Nick Saban, revealing he is, in fact, a cyborg:
It was never a fact of if, but when. Saban, developed and manufactured in a undisclosed location off of Alabama State Route 59, was developed as an experiment to create the mold of a traditional white football coach. According to reports, after being injected with too much “(Name Redacted)” Saban escaped the facility and entered the college football coaching profession, where he has dominated human lifeforms for many years.  

4.) Former president Donald J. Trump will create the National Association of Athletic College Players, or the NAACP:
Fresh off impeachment trials, Trump, wanting to venture back into the world of football, will start the National Association of Athletic College Players (NAACP). Unaware that the acronym is already in use by the National Associaton for the Advancement of Colored Peoples, Trump will claim he “thought of it first, and will SUE anyone who tells me otherwise!” 

3.) Your friend John will finally shut the hell up about how there used to be a college football video game when he was in high school:
Shut the hell up, John. We know there used to be NCAA Football whatever-the-fuck, and we know you would still kick our ass if they still made it today. But guess what, John? They stopped making that game years ago! You’re living in the past, John, and we swear to God if 2018 doesn’t bring silence from you, you won’t live to see 2019. 

2.) Wisconsin lawmakers will abolish a law that requires University of Wisconsin football players to assist as a farmhand the day of a home game:
The law, which passed shortly thereafter the Great Wisconsin Cheese Shortage of 1918, requires all University of Wisconsin football players to spend at least four hours as an unpaid worker for Wisconsin farms on gamedays. The 100-year law is set to expire this summer, allowing Wisconsin players to sleep in on gamedays for the first time since World War I. 

1.) The last remaining dissenter of the four-team playoff system will be sentenced to death:
“But it would be so much more fair to all conferences if there were an eight-team playof—” the last remaining dissenter will scream as he is guillotined outside of NCAA headquarters. It wasn’t easy for the NCAA Death Squads to scour the country and effectively get rid of four-team playoff dissenters, but they did create a multi-billion industry without paying their employees, so we’re really not too surprised. 

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