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Problem Solved: University Begins Construction Of Overnight Dorms For Roommates Who Have Been Sexiled

Calling it the ‘Airbnb For Virgins,’ campus officials have announced that they will be building new overnight dorms for roommates who have been sexiled by their much better looking roommate so they have a place to sleep.

“We can’t stop people from having sex–that would be considered cockblocking, which is against the code and like most situations on campus, we will look the other way,” said university president Charles Jones. “But we cannot have 100 roommates walking the streets of campus at 2 a.m. looking for a place to sleep because that is for post-grad when they’re unable to pay off their student loans they had to take out in order to afford coming here. The least we can do with the overpriced tuition is to build a dorm for those in need.”

Consistently locked-out roommates like Mark Stevens couldn’t be happier about his new residence the university was building for people like him.

“Finally, someone is looking out for people like me who aren’t as attractive like my roommate Doug having incredible, probably unprotected sex,” Stevens said. “I know it’s good because I can hear it when I was sleeping in the hallway outside our door.”

Campus officials have noted that the new dorms will all be singles, making it basically impossible for residents to be sexiled.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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