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Report: People Who Only Drink Hard Cider Are Tiny, Little Baby Weenies Who Need To Grow Up

CHICAGO– Recent studies have proven that people who prefer hard cider over beer, or those who refuse to drink beer at all, are more likely to be tiny, little baby weenies than those who took the time to nut up and acquire the taste for beer. 

“Yeah, I really don’t know what it is, I’ve just never really liked the way that beer tastes,” said Laney Harris, who was clutching a bottle of Angry Orchard like someone was about to knock it out of her hand. “Kinda tastes like a metal salt lick, ya know?”

The research conducted also revealed that those who prefer hard cider were more likely to “feel drunk” after drinking two, then cry during episodes of House Hunters.

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