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Senior Already Planning To Wait Until The Last 12 Hours Of The Semester To Write 20,000-Word Final Paper

After reading through the syllabus for his English 469 class and realizing that the grade for the course was entirely based on a single 20,000-word essay–the culmination of his academic career–senior Matt Fiorina is reportedly already planning to wait until the last minute to complete it.

While some may see this decision as the potentially disastrous, Fiorina believes staying organized will be the key to a successful result. “Something that I learned by failing my entire first semester four years ago is that it is really important to stay organized if you want to succeed, and I think failing my entire second semester really reinforced that message,” Fiorina said. “So, since then, I like to make sure I keep track of all my assignments.”

When asked how he keeps track of his assignments, Fiorina whipped out his phone and showed us a calendar event–”Start writing final paper”–for 12 p.m. on Dec. 16. Completing such a large paper will most certainly be a grueling experience, yet Fiorina remains confident in his ability to get the job done.

“I did the math: All I need to do is average 1,700 words per hour. Definitely seems doable, especially if I save up my Adderall prescription during the semester,” Fiorina said. 

Hailee Sheffield, who is also in Fiorina’s course, and who has already broken off any form of communication with her family to focus on the paper, began twitching uncontrollably when The Black Sheep shared Fiorina’s plan with her.

In the meantime, Fiorina has a great deal of free time. He says that he plans to use this time doing absolutely nothing, besides perhaps working on his skills in the art of bubble blowing and perhaps learning to play the kazoo.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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