After relentlessly torturing your liver, brain, and sleep schedule each week by engaging in drinking and studying at ungodly hours of the night, you might look in the mirror and discover that you’ve become a wrinkly gremlin lady. No one should have to sacrifice their skin’s health for this, so here’s a list of skincare routines to make you look younger to the point where all the frat boys on campus will mistake you for your 17-year-old self again.
7.) Moisturize those cheeks:
It only takes five minutes to slather your cheeks (both sets) with lotion when you step out of the shower. This will put you on the path to looking plump and perky enough for a frat guy to mistake you for a freshman. Your youthful aura will entice him into thinking that you’re fresh out of high school, and surely, he will hit on you the minute you descend the basement steps.
6.) Eat that fruit:
Keep yourself hydrated by eating more fruit – your body will thank you, and so will Todd from Sigma Snapple Capri Sun. Once he catches a glimpse of your virgin-looking skin from behind the keg, he’ll want nothing but to invite you back up to his bedroom without checking your ID first.
5.) Toss the damn Juul:
Cut out the nicotine and you’ll be on your way to looking like you just aced the SAT. Not only will the color finally return to your face, but it’ll trick the social chair into thinking that you’re younger than him. If he tries to mansplain a simple concept to you, you’ve done a great job and probably look young enough to not have any real thoughts or opinions yet!
4.) Drink some water:
Not only will drinking water make your skin softer, but it’ll also mask the fact that you’ve been chugging Burnetts with a straight face since first semester. A girl with soft skin and a water bottle full of actual water is surely younger than her beer-guzzling 20-year-old counterparts, and thus is more likely to be approached by the respective Brad, Chad, or Thad.
3.) Sweat it out:
Whether you forgot to bring your clicker to class or you’re on your third slice of drunk pizza in one night, make sure that you find the time to sweat! This’ll replicate your long-lost natural teen glow and effectively draw 21+ year-old guys to you like moths to a flame.
2.) Shovel a pound of kale down your gullet:
Nasty-ass leafy greens like kale will provide you with the hydration you never thought you could achieve. One sure sign to confirm that it’s doing wonders for you skin is when all the guys at the party are warning that One Friend™ to “stay away from her bro, you’ll get charged for statutory.”
1.) Easy on the makeup:
Take a break from slathering your face with foundation and let your skin breathe; not only will it be good for you, but the lack of face paint will indicate that you’re probably too young to apply it and drive the Theta Chimmy Chongas wild.
Follow these steps for more youthful looking skin – you’ll feel and look like you just received your acceptance letter in the mail. If, after following these routines, you’ve woken up next to a very nervous-looking frat boy frantically searching through your things to verify that you are, in fact, over 18, well done!
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