An autopsy released yesterday revealed that University of Delaware sophomore Daniel Thompson died of “too much sex” following a party last Friday. Thompson, a 20-year-old chemistry major, brought a guitar to the event and was reportedly swarmed by lusty women.
“Thompson’s body was filled with abnormally high levels of testosterone and serotonin, making him what is referred to as a ‘sex machine,’” read the report, which concluded that the proximate cause of death was “a simultaneous aneurysm of the brain and phallus brought on by overstimulation.”
Sources present at the party say that Thompson was “covered in chicks pretty much from start to finish” after walking into the townhouse on New London Road.
“Danny was never really a ladies’ man,” sophomore Alex Chapledaine, and Thompson’s roommate, told The Black Sheep. “But I don’t know, something about that acoustic guitar he got from Goodwill changed things.”
A police report of the event details how Thompson entered the party, sat down on a couch, and began strumming a few random chords. After making out with an unidentified partygoer for approximately fifteen minutes, Thompson started playing Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper.”
“Thompson’s shirt and pants were ripped off by a throng of ravenous women. In the next thirty minutes, he was pleasured no less than seven times,” wrote Officer Chris DeAngelis. “Fights began to break out among those competing for his attention, including one woman who swung a sledgehammer to create a perimeter around her and Thompson.”
Christiana Hospital physician Ali Mikita hopes that this tragedy can be used as a teaching moment.
“Every year, many young men are tempted to bring a guitar to a party. And sure, it seems great. Attention, adoration, sex; they are virtually guaranteed,” she explained. “But after orgasming ten, twenty, or perhaps dozens of times, it always ends the same way. You’re dead.”
“We should count our lucky stars that Thompson did not get a chance to play ‘Wonderwall,’” Mikita said. “Who knows how many may have died then.”
The police report also indicates that a junior who played “Over the Rainbow” on a ukulele at the party was treated for minor sexual injuries.
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