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Students Pumped About New “College” Game on Oculus Rift

The new Oculus Rift has just come out, giving users the first taste of alternate reality. The most anticipated game of the year, entitled College, has just been released. It gives players an opportunity to live in a virtual reality where going to school is actually a good time.

University of Chicago’s Jeremy Myers is a statistical analysis student and was overjoyed to put the non-existent pencil in his hand at 11:30p.m. to virtually do those 67 math problems due by 11:55p.m.His plan to drink three cups of straight espresso and scribble furiously on his digital desk, silently muttering expletives under his breath, has resulted in a B-, a much better score than Jeremy ever thought possible.

“The reality might be fake but the heart-wrenching stress is real!” shouted Jeremy in the middle of playing the game. “I’ll learn not to procrastinate next time!” he exclaimed whilst putting off a 10-page paper due the next day.

Professional College players have started popping up at universities all over the world. These world-renowned players have been given full-ride scholarships to play the game at Oxford, Harvard, and Yale.

University of Minnesota freshman, Bruce Giggins is hopeful that he’ll pass the virtual hazing process of initiation, by the virtual Xi Phi Chapter, wherein he’ll be stripped naked and spanked with a handful of virtual Twizzlers, which he’ll then be forced to eat.

“Mmm, strawberry,” murmured Giggins as he discovered that he kind of enjoyed the searing pain of hardened licorice on his bare ass.

However, Bruce’s very real roommate, Vince Royal, walked into their newly-acquired dorm room and was met with an unpleasant sight.

“You don’t have to be naked in real life to play the game!” screamed Vince as he shielded his eyes.

Thinking that this was one of the drunken frat bros in his virtual reality, Bruce Giggins proceeded to put virtual pants on. Unfortunately for Vince, this just consisted of Bruce bending over and pulling up the space in front of him.

Ashley Blumenthal of Oregon State University was over the moon playing the “Get Hit On” feature in several different “unwanted” maps. Some of these maps include: During an exam, at the gym, and at a lame party.

“Wow, I know its not real but its still extremely uncomfortable and completely unwarranted,” said Ashley desperately trying to access the “escape with friend” feature. “It really feels like I’m being harassed by horny college boys!”

Next month, UnnecessaryTechnology Inc., the creators of College, will introduce an add a bonus level. The level entitled “Graduate” will be a harrowing adventure, where you will fight hordes of boring professors, eat the shittiest food on the market, and attempt not to kill your academic advisor. Instead of lives, however, you will have a debt meter that will continue to go up no matter what you do.

“We’re really excited to bring virtual reality to gamers,” said UnnecessaryTechnology Inc. Executive, Stew Pid. “Finally, students will have a chance to escape their stress-filled lives, blow off some homework, and delve into a new virtual reality.”

Unfortunately, many students have reported mixing up their virtual reality with their actual lives.

“I paid my tuition but I’m not sure which one I did it for. Which reality am I in?!” exclaimed Vanessa Newak of UCLA, as she was carted into the nearest mental health facility in one of her realities.

Just like the leaves on trees or the srat stars’ skin, coffee in Starbucks cups nation wide is turning orange this month?

 

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