Americans everywhere have been greatly impacted by the inauguration of president Donald Trump, but none were prepared for his most recent stunt as leader of the free world: Trump has just announced plans to cancel Super Bowl 51.
After seeing the number “51” in the title of this year’s biggest football showdown, the former star of The Apprentice “went ape,” and “totally thought we were going to put aliens on live TV,” reported one White House staffer. “Then he started yelling about national security and his face got really red, so we had to calm him down with a framed picture of Ronald Reagan that we keep on hand for outbursts like this.”
When asked at a press conference earlier today about his reasoning for canceling the Super Bowl, Trump responded: “That’s top secret information. Top secret. Really big deal. We already have enough illegal aliens in this country. ‘Uge problem. Biggest problem so far.”
When The Black Sheep reporter Rob Jones asked him if he knew the difference between the Super Bowl and Area 51, all he had to say was that “Steve Bannon told me Area 51 is a myth made up by the Jews, and when I heard it was gonna be taking primetime TV away from news shows talking about me, I knew it had to go. But aliens are still bad and we really gotta build that wall. Maybe we should build another one around the whole planet. Keep ‘em out, ya know? Drain the swamp!”
Falcons Head Coach Dan Quinn was unable to be reached for comment, however witnesses report watching steam blow out of the coach’s ears as his entire head turned red, just like in the cartoons, at the time of Trump’s announcement.
“What we should be worried about is Tom Brady. That’s who. He’s in there somewhere with the aliens, Tom Brady. Tom Brady could beat all of those aliens at football. Aliens aren’t allowed in this country. We need to help Tom Brady, that’s who!” Trump announced in a string of tweets regarding the situation.
It is still unclear how president Trump plans to cancel the Super Bowl this year, however it has been rumored that every NFL player and coach have been contacted for mandatory top-secret alien screenings. American citizens have resolved to sit and hope for the best.