Sitting at his desk late Monday night, brow furrowed with concentration, Trump struggled to find suitable wordplay to finalize the firing of FBI director James Comey.
“His power isn’t truly secure until he unleashes a snappy, quotable diss to the Twittersphere describing his latest act” says Secretary of Deep Web Relations @Darkest_Soul345. “There are many political factors swirling about that he has to consider. The 140-character limit is a huge one. And there are others, I’m sure, but none come to mind right now.”
Hundreds of discarded pieces of paper littered the Oval Office floor, covered in barely-legible scribbles ranging from “Comey Comey Comey Chameleon (?)” to “Easy Comey, Easy Go.”
“Normally he can just break out the old rants if things get tough– corruption, scandal, build a wall, put down those incriminating Kremlin documents, etc.” an insider disclosed. “But with a move this controversial, there’s serious pressure to deliver a wicked burn to the opposition.”
In Congress, both Democrats and Republicans have taken serious issue with the President’s lack of put-down craftsmanship.
“I mean, the man’s name is almost Come.” says Sen. Albert Hapsburg of Ohio. “I could think of a million places to go with that. In this desperate hour, we’d even take a variation of ‘About to Comey on her face.’ But this total internet silence is destabilizing all of Washington D.C. I shudder to think what might happen if it continues.”
Releasing a long, low hippopotamus belch of frustration, Trump waddled to the bathroom; the site of his most passionate Presidential statements.
“If that doesn’t cure him, I don’t know what will” says Special Advisor of Media Obfuscation Gunther Filch. “We’ve tried everything else. Even airlifted in fresh-plucked swan feather quills for him to type with. But all that did was shatter the touchscreen.”
“On second thought, having all the quills gold-plated probably wasn’t the slickest move” added Filch.
Increasingly angry roars echoed through the White House stalls as idea after idea flew to the winds. “Good things Comey to those who wait… NO!!! Uuuuuh, what goes around Comeys around? GAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”
At press time, Trump was screaming at a top expert on Syria to fetch him his embossed copy of Urban Dictionary.
Are you Team Waffle or Team Pancake? Find out which team is right on our podcast!