After several months spent without the company of their son, parents Jill and Don Devito have planned to slowly poison their son Felix while he’s home for the summer.
The plan to poison their Felix materialized after twelve days of excruciating bonding with the 19-year-old.
“I love Felix, but this past year without him has been incredible,” said Don Devito, who is a retired Navy Seal. “We started a bi-weekly wine and cheese club with our neighbors, I finally learned how to play Mancala, and Jill turned Felix’s old bedroom into a BDSM sex dungeon. Why couldn’t my son just dick around in Iowa City for the summer like everyone else?”
Felix’s mother Jill expressed similar concerns, stating that she had a “full fledged panic attack and IBS flare up,” at the mere thought of having Felix back in the house again.
“This past year, there would be times when I completely forgot I ever pushed that gangly, acne scarred hormone machine out of my hoohaw,” Mrs. Devito reminisced. “He tries to talk to us now. In high school, Felix would just come home and lock himself in the sex dungeon — I mean his bedroom. Now he engages us in conversations about social justice, environmental issues, and Plato. Ugh.”
In a desperate attempt to return to the childless lifestyle they’ve grown accustomed to, the Devitos have begun slipping a few drops of lethal poison into Felix’s morning protein shake.
“It’s the best choice for our family,” explained Mr. Devito. “We just can’t have Felix lurking in the corner when the neighbors come over, or acting all shocked and disgusted when Jill and I practice home nudity.”
The Devitos’ neighbors have even agreed to stone Felix if he proves to be resilient to the poison, stating that he does “such a fuck ass job mowing the front lawn.”
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