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5 Old Timey Machines That Work Better Than the Outlets in the Union

The Frank Porter Graham Student Union is a place for students to gather, study, and avoid eye contact with the person who sat down next to them on a small, small couch. Despite being a laptop hub, the Union’s outlets are a lot like the pizza in Ram’s: very hit or miss. Here are 5 old timey machines that are more reliable than the Union’s outlets.

5.) Your Grandpa’s Phonograph:

Gramps loves turning on jazz on this bad boy every single time you come over. Sure, your laptop is dead, but write your thesis by hand, on the power of a smooth trombone solo and grandpa telling you how we, as a nation, should celebrate “how far we’ve come.”

4.) Your Ex-Boyfriend Nick’s Record Player:

Nick just doesn’t understand how anyone listens to music any other way! Your phone is at 6% but this 1950s antique surely has more power than the electrical outlets in, like, a pretty modern building. His Arctic Monkeys album sounds way better on the vinyl record he bought from Urban Outfitters anyway.

3.) Your Milliner’s Victorian Hat Sizer:

Laptops warm your laps, but what about your poor head? Find a hat that perfectly warms your skull with this hat sizer you can borrow from your local hat specialist. Your newfound body warmth will emanate from your fingertips through your keyboard and charge your Macbook better than the union outlets ever could.

2.) Your Weird Friend Matt’s Stapler:

Why does he own this? You’ve asked a few times but it always ends in him asking you if you watch the History Channel. It surely can’t staple things anymore but it’s definitely got more power than that one outlet underneath the side table next to that one couch near Alpine.

1.) American Democracy:

Okay actually the outlets definitely work better than this has been working lately.

The Union is a place for homework and discourse, but maybe it doesn’t matter if our laptops are dead. Maybe we should focus on making lasting connections with other students. (Or maybe just unplug that one guy’s charger while he’s not looking.)

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