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5 Ways To Get Across The Pit Faster Than Your Little Legs Can Carry You

Right now, with all of the construction going on in the Pit you can probably run into every UNC student just by walking through the Pit at lunchtime. One of these days, Carol Folt will realize we want more funding for the arts rather than a re-bricked Pit, but until then here are five better ways to get through the Pit than walking:

5.) Crowd surf:
The Pit is already one argument with Gary away from becoming a mosh pit. Why not take that nervous energy and put it to use? You might end up three buildings away from the actual building you were going to, but at least you’ll be moving through the Pit instead of just standing there, waiting for that first year in front of you to move.

4.) Organize a flash mob:
UNC students love a good flash mob (like, isn’t that basically what UNC’s dance marathon is?) And even if it takes several months for you to choreograph and rehearse a flash mob with the entire student body, at least you can choreograph strategic gaps between people that will allow you to get to Bingham in three minutes instead of three hours.

3.) Get Gary to carry you:
Gary, the Pit’s beloved preacher, is a pretty polarizing character. No matter the circumstance, most people get out of Gary’s way so they can avoid having a conversation about the inevitability of everyone melting their faces off in hell.  Just promise Gary that you’ve never kissed someone of the same gender as yourself, and he’ll take you anywhere you want to go.

2.) Dig a tunnel:
There are so many holes around the Pit right now (the Pit included), that no one’s going to notice another one. Sure, it might take you all semester to dig a tunnel intricate enough to make it easy breezy to get to all of your classes, but at least then you won’t get stuck behind some first year walking at a glacial pace.

1.) Take the P2P:
If all else fails, the P2P will save you. She always gets you home when Uber is too expensive, and she’s as reliable as your parents’ dog Gizmo who’s patiently waiting until Christmas to die so you can be there too.  You’re probably going to kill a few of your classmates if you get the P2P to drive down the middle of the Pit. But at least you’ll make it to Bingham.

Anywho, good luck getting through the Pit this year. Even with these tactics, you’re going to need it. Patrick the first-year is merciless.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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