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I Only Ate Mellow Mushroom Pizza For A Week, And Now I’m Literally A Pizza

Okay so, I spent my last week before going to back to school so incredibly stressed out that my doctor recommended a new diet for me: mushroom pizza from Mellow Mushroom on Franklin St. I ate it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for a week. Now, I am quite literally the chillest mushroom pizza ever, and like, super down to tackle the fall semester, man. 

Day 1: The initial slice:

Uggghhhh, I can’t believe classes start again this week. I’m so not ready to go back yet and give up on a summer of counting my leg hairs with Netflix on in the background. Hopefully this strange mushroom pizza “diet” works. So far, so delicious.

Day 2: I <3 shrooms:

I know it’s only day 2, but I’m already feeling so much stress relief. In fact, I kind of don’t really care about anything but mushrooms, sauce, a sweet, sweet stringy cheese. Who knows, maybe I’ve found a diet I can do for more than a week.

Day 3: Mushrooms are family:

I took my family to Mellow Mushroom today to meet the employees, a.k.a. my new family. They’ve been so kind and helpful to me throughout this whole process, and they’ve mentioned they’ve seen a remarkable change in me! When I asked what kind of changes they were noticing they seemed nervous to say, but all change is good change, right?!

Day 4: Do I smell, or?

So, I’ve started to notice some bad side effects from this otherwise stellar diet. I’ve started to… ummm, well smell. I can’t quite place the odor, but it’s kind of damp? Like when a forest floor has gotten too much rain and not enough sunlight. I don’t know, it’s probably nothing. I’ll ask someone what they think while I’m in line for my 53rd slice.

Day 5: Plant me:

I can’t believe it, I almost slipped up today. I was craving the weirdest thing– decaying meat. I had the strangest urge to plant myself  in the ground and begin sucking the nutrients out of the meat. Weird, right? Thankfully there were two very large mushroom pizzas right next to me, and I ate both to keep my cravings at bay. Wow, diets really do do weird things to you.

Day 6: My skin is glowing:

Alright, I have to admit, my skin is gorgeous from this diet! I’ve always been a bit pale, but now I finally have some color in my cheeks. Sure, that color’s yellow, but I’ll take what I can get. Also, I’ve never felt so chill during the first week of classes. Anyway, time to get a good night’s rest in my cool, dark, and a little damp room. Wish there was some dang grass in here.

Day 7: The transformation is complete:

Alright, so this morning was weird. I looked in the mirror and a mushroom looked back at me. I’ve gotten so many weird glares in my first class today, and the truth is I don’t even care. I feel so chill, easygoing, relaxed, placid, and other synonyms of ‘mellow’.

I’m so happy to begin my life as the chillest mushroom alive. I’m definitely pleased with this new lifestyle.

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