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Biology Senior Studies in Davis all Week, Riots After Finding Out UNC Beat Duke

Franklin Street was in chaos on Valentine’s Day eve. Multiple fires lined the street, and at the top of one very high street light pole was UNC senior and overworked biology major Malcolm Lester, lighter in hand. He was seen deliriously screaming, “We won! Yes! YEAAHHHH!!!!” and a phrase that rhyme with “Duck Fuke.”

When the police arrived, they began ushering the crowd away before questioning bystanders as to what they saw.

“No, he just got heard we beat Duke last week,” explained Lester’s best friend, Jim Turner. “We had a big orgo exam yesterday, and we’ve literally done nothing but study in Davis for a week because of it. When he looked at his phone for the first time all week today, he just looked at me and yelled ‘RUSH!’ before sprinting all the way here.”

“He set fire to UNC holy ground. He should be expelled!” screamed sophomore Sophie Hart.

“He can’t be a Tar Heel anymore! I’m making a petition to see that he gets the harshest punishment possible!” said junior Ted Martinez.

Both students participated in Franklin Street festivities last Thursday. While some may find criticism of Lester by these students to be hypocritical, freshman Julian Morry disagreed.

“I don’t know how to explain it, other than saying that sans mob mentality, rushing Franklin is just… kind of pointless.”

 Morry himself posted multiple pictures last week posing next to the Franklin Street fires with the caption “UNC won!!! It’s LIT!!!” on his Instagram @jmUNC21.

“I don’t care, climbing a pole like that is dangerous by yourself. You need a fall buddy, and a crowd of people screaming encouragement,” complained Martinez, who made sure to post a picture with a sentimental caption on Facebook of the view from a pole when he drunkenly climbed one last Thursday after the basketball game.

“I can graduate happy! We beat Duke at home!” yelled Lester as he took a quick selfie of himself in front of a fire and posted it to his Instagram, before being thrust into a cop car. 

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