After a strange beginning to the fall semester has made it difficult for first years to adjust to life at UNC, Michael Bockson, has summoned the ghost of the university’s first student, Hinton James, to help comfort his through his experience.
“I was in Davis studying for my first midterm, when I found this book with super old writing in it that said you could summon Hinton James by saying his name three times in a bathroom mirror in the HoJo dorm,” says Bockson. “I thought, might as well. I’m gonna fail this midterm anyway.”
After running the entire way back to his Hinton James dorm, staring into a mirror and saying, “Hinton James Hinton James Hinton James,” Bockson was amazed to find it worked.
“So, like, then I was staring at the first ever student at UNC. And I was trying to think of some questions I would ask him, about how to get through your first year of college, when I heard the U bus pull up and I had to go to class,” states Bockson. “Guess I’ll never find out how to truly make every day a GDTBATH.”
Fellow first year, Cody Jenson, claimed she’s had similar difficulties adjusting to university life: “How am I supposed to remember that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell when I’ve just joined the Spider Sam cult?” Jenson replied when asked how her first year at Carolina was going so far. “Even though he’s all old and ectoplasm-y, being able to talk to Hinton was super helpful.”
Hinton James could not be reached for comment, as he is too busy riding every Chapel Hill transit bus around. He can be heard screaming, “This is so much better than walking!!!!!” outside of the open windows he can’t figure out to close.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.