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First-Year UNC Students “Feel Like Dying” While Waiting in Long Student Store Lines

Syllabus week is over, and if you haven’t dropped all of your classes by now, it’s time to stop procrastinating and just buy your textbooks. Unfortunately, that means waiting in line at the UNC Student Stores.

With the new setup, the line for checkout has increased in length and complexity, extending all the way to the Pit and causing confusion and frustration among all of the inexperienced first-years waiting in line.

First-year Tristan Newman complained about the wait, saying, “I didn’t think it would be this bad in the second week! I’ve been here for four hours now! I think I can see the light from the windows though, I must be close!”

Other students had waited even longer, and appeared to be dehydrated and malnourished.

“I’ve been here… For so long! I don’t even remember getting in this line!” cried freshman Sofia Richman. “If I have to wait any longer, I guess I’ll find out if I’m a Tar Heel dead soon enough!”

Some students had the foresight to pre-order their textbooks on the UNC Student Stores website, thinking it would be a faster process.

First-year Kennedy Wilson was dismayed to see the line was even longer for picking up online orders than the check-out line. “They’re all measuring how long they’ve been waiting in line in hours,” she said, pointing to the traditional checkout line. “In the online orders line, we’re measuring in DAYS. I just want to get my Tar Heel Writing Guide and get out.”

In the swirling chaos of the first floor of the UNC Student Stores, among various long lines covering the entire floor in a mass of angry students who just want their Bio 101 textbook, one student seemed happy and content.

“I ordered my textbooks from Amazon last week,” said senior Mike Maye (no relation to Luke Maye) with a smirk. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time at UNC, it’s buy your textbooks online. I’m just here to watch the madness unfold!” And as he watched two first-years claw each other’s eyes out over the last copy of an Anthropology 101 textbook, Mike sagely smiled.

Mike’s advice to all of the first-years in line: “Just buy online, guys. Just buy online.”    

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