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Big Boy Grayson Allen Still Crying After Duke Loss to UNC

After horrible, unforgivable losses against MSU, FSU, UVA, VT, State, Clemson, and Wofford, it’s absolutely no surprise UNC pulled out a win against Duke on Thursday with a final score of 82-78. Minutes after the loss, Duke’s Grayson Allen was found in the locker room, crying on the phone with his mom.

“Mom you don’t understand, Sterling Manley’s arms are just way too freakin’ long, it’s not fair,” Allen cried into the phone. “And did you see the way Luke Maye absolutely rammed me at the end of the first half; he did that on purpose; it was so obvious.”

As Allen’s teammates tried to comfort him, he shoved them away, telling them that they can only touch him when he’s not in such an emotional state.

“Kenny wouldn’t share the ball; Theo asked me why my face ‘looks like that’ when I ‘fake fall.’ I am pushed! They’re so insensitive. Anyway, did you pick up my Happy Meal and can you meet me out back?”

As Allen snuck out of the Dean Dome, he begrudgingly explained why he was abandoning his team.

“I don’t want to talk. Can’t you see I’m going through something right now? My mom drives me around because riding the bus makes my tummy hurt. Also, Joel Berry’s eyes were so full of passion and determination tonight; I’m kind of scared of him and want to leave immediately.”

As Allen climbed into the passenger’s side of his mom’s minivan, he expanded on the lack of courtesy he received from UNC’s team.

Allegedly, as Allen stomped off the court, trying to shield his tears, UNC’s head coach had leaned into his ear, and spoke to him in a “very patronizing southern drawl.”

“Roy Williams called me a pussy,” Allen sniffled. “I can’t believe that old man would attack me like that.”

Allen took a moment to wipe his eyes.

“Besides winning national championships, and beating us after losing to Wofford, what’s he good for? He’s not that great. He doesn’t even resemble Ted Cruz like both me and Coach K do.”

Allen and his mom drove off, only to be stopped seconds later at an intersection for 30 minutes, due to fans rushing Franklin street to celebrate.

Allen has been crying since, but is expected to recover by the 3/3 game, just in time to be beat again.

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