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Mr. and Miss UNC Candidates Slowly Driving UNC Populace Insane

The buzz over Mr. and Miss UNC has begun, and future Carolina Royalty are as eager as it gets. Leading up to the Heels v. Miami homecoming game on October 28th, the candidates are offering their first-born in order to claim the crowns.


“I’ve never seen anything like it,” explained junior Catherine Smith. “I thought my hand in marriage was being requested a couple of times. The guys were practically on their knees in hopes of getting my signature.”

Walking through The Pit becomes a chore, and personal space is simply not respected. It’s an obstacle course, weaving between hand-crafted signs staggered on the ground and over-interested first years, just to avoid singing a piece of paper.


“Don’t text and walk through The Pit during voting season. I thought I was better than this, and, well, I’m just not. The signs are everywhere,” stated Stacey Falls. “Stay sharp or be like me and fall at the feet of those candidates that are starving for votes. They’ll be more than happy to help you up as long as you vote for them.”


“Everywhere I look a candidate is campaigning, and every candidate has a posed picture in front of the Old Well circulating Facebook,” Collin Scott says. “It’s close to impossible to see past the over-eager smiles and dripping Carolina Blue.”


Once the votes are cast, the Mr. and Miss will be crowned right in the middle of Kenan Memorial Stadium. More important than the funds for charity, the winners will receive a crown, sash, and budding flower arrangement.


“It feels all too much like the Mean Girls moment of crowning Regina George. Will the Mr. and Miss break their crowns apart because everyone is a true winner?” Samuel Hope wonders. “Only time will tell. This is the generation of participation awards, after all.”


The most important thing to remember in all of this is the one signature rule. If someone is smart, they lie and say their name has been signed.

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