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We Murdered our Roommate to See if UNC Would Really Pay Our Tuition

Tuition is high and classes are all-consuming. Working enough hours to cover books, rent, tuition, and doubling your dog for $1 at Sup Dogs can be hard to balance with 18 credit hours. What if there was another way? What if the myth was true — what if the university pays your tuition if your roommate, uh, mysteriously fell down some stairs?

I found out.

Just kidding! No I didn’t! I’d never murder my roommate even when she ate all my Cap’n Crunch when I specifically bought the peanut butter kind because I thought she was allergic. I, of course, just had a calm, collected talk with her about boundaries! And that conversation was at the top of some stairs! Who keeps bringing up stairs!?

Listen, I would never hurt another soul! Not even when that soul completely rearranged our room. But like, what an odd move? Who wants their two twin sized beds touching each other perpendicularly? My head was by her torso at night. Why? What is that doing for either of us?

It’s okay, everyone has their own preferences! She let me know what was okay when we had our roommate agreement meeting! No guests after 10 p.m. and no touching her stuff. She never said no murder. Hahahaha I’m kidding! But like she technically didn’t specify that!

Murder is bad. I did not murder my roommate. But if I had, I would say that the university does not pay your tuition and instead “reports you to the police” for “homicide.”

But I can confirm I’m no longer paying tuition.

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