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Student Takes Up Pit Preaching in Sad Attempt to Obtain Valentine

It’s Valentine’s Day, and since no one has offered a romantic date to the Agora for sophomore Calvin Durgo, he has taken to the Pit in an attempt to obtain a Valentine before the evening is out.

“I’ve been out here, in the Pit, preaching my love and passion for five hours now,” Durgo said. “No luck yet, but bae’s coming, I sense it. People say I’m forever alone, and despite how much I like that meme, I refuse to believe it.”

Durgo set out early today when Gary was just settling into his chair, his “Stop Sinning” sign resting soundly against his knee. Durgo stole the sign and quickly painted over it, replacing “Sinning” with “Ignoring Me; I’m Lonely.”

“If Gary has the ability to amass such large groups of females through his words of hate, then through my words of love, I can too. Once I have one, I’m going to send the ‘Y U MAD BRO’ meme to all the girls who have ever friendzoned me.”

Durgo’s strategy for the day is shouting in Shakespearean tongue about how he knows how to treat a girl right, and that he’s different from other guys.

Durgo said that he knows how surprising it is that he’s single this Valentine’s Day, but Tinder just hasn’t seemed to work for him.

Durgo’s Tinder profile is a Luke Maye catfish, and when users click for more details, his bio states ‘Okay, you caught me xD I maye not be Luke Maye…but maye I be your valentine anyway, maye’lady?’

Despite not having a valentine, Durgo said spending the day with Gary has made him feel less alone. He said that he has enjoyed the friendly competition between them.

“Gary would start shouting about premarital sex, and I would start shouting louder about how much more beautiful everyone would be if they smiled.”

Durgo claims that Gary then began to climb out of his chair, making his way towards him.

“He came over piping hot. I thought he was trying to snatch my fedora, but then he just started whacking me with his bible. He said something like ‘you, son, are worse than the gays’ and that’s when all the girls finally started showing up. Much to my dismay, those evil sorceresses only used me for their Snapchat stories.”

Durgo will continue to preach in the Pit until the sun sets, if he does not get lucky before then. After that, he will retreat into the Arboretum, holding hands with himself.


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