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UNC Biker Can’t Stand the Mean Looks On Way To Hanes Hall

Frank Abbott, self-proclaimed biking specialist, loves biking to class, and he has something to say about the angry looks he has been getting recently.

“First of all, I thought this was UNC. Aren’t the kids supposed to be smart? If they’re so smart, then how come they take up so much space walking? Why can’t they respect my dominant role as a bike rider and move?”

Abbott described his daily routine; including his preferred riding speed.

“My only classes are during the peak time of the day — between 11 and 3. Once I leave Morrison, I just take the most traffic-heavy path on campus around the stadium and up beside the UL, and I always go top speed.”

Abbott’s favorite time to ride is the 15 minutes between classes. “I love biking diagonally through the quad, when there are just hundreds of people. Sometimes someone will wedge their toes under my wheels, but it’s all in good fun.”

Sophomore Joe Sanders showed off a sprained ankle from when Abbott rammed into him with his vehicle.

“I was literally standing in the middle of the Pit,” Sanders said. “He told me he didn’t see me, but I saw him eyeballing courses of trajectory for like five minutes beforehand. I think it was intentional. He had to ride down three steps for Christ’s sake.”

Abbott has even been caught biking through the Bottom of Lenoir, on top of Davis, and behind the counter in Wendy’s.

“I never wear a helmet, but I mean, if I run into you, and I go flying, it’s you I’m suing.”

Abbott said he loves outsmarting the crosswalk system on South Road. Joann, the incredible crossguard, will say “Hold on one second!” to help traffic flow, but Abbott says this rule doesn’t apply to him.

“Since I’m on a bike, I just kind of keep going. The cars can wait. And I don’t say ‘thank you’ to Joann either. I mean, it’s her job anyway, right?”

Abbott’s bike is a bright green GIANT bike with those giant fucking wheels that take up twice as much space as they need to. He parks it by the Morrison parking lot, usually on the far left side of the rack. Just so you know.

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