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UNC Senior English Major Existentially Dreads Spring Break’s Arrival

Spring break: when UNC students try to find a warm beach where the water still isn’t cold because it’s still winter. Most students have been counting down the days since the beginning of the spring semester. Everyone, that is, but senior Raphael Printz.

“It’s almost spring break? Oh my God. What have I been doing with my life?” said Printz, beginning to break out in a cold sweat when asked how he would be spending his last spring break.

Printz is currently majoring in English. While he can write a paper analyzing the political messages in Paradise Lost or recite Beowulf, he was unable to say what his plans are after graduation.

“I kind of need to start looking for a job, or apply to grad school,” continued Printz, as the cold sweat turned into a cold puddle. “I haven’t even started researching them, though. Do I still have time? I feel like I still have time.”

Printz’s friends Noah Tevoro and Penelope Trent, a sophomore and first-year respectively, saw spring break as a welcome vacation from UNC.

“I can’t wait to go home and do laundry,” claimed Tevoro. “I’ve been wearing my ‘ceiling is the roof’ shirt for 6 days straight now.”

Trent was excited to go to every beach in the Carolinas with her Alpha Delta Pi sisters, despite cool temperatures.

“It’s going to be so much fun huddling together for warmth!  Think of the bonding opportunities! I can’t wait to simultaneously be tan and frostbitten!” exclaimed Trent.

Meanwhile, the realization that graduation was just 2 months away was beginning to sink in for Printz, as he began raving about everything he would miss at UNC.

“Basketball’s going to be over soon. I’ll never get to rush after a Duke game as a student anymore. I won’t get up ridiculously early on FDOC to drink from the Old Well anymore either, and soon it’ll be considered irresponsible to spend all day debating whether Emily Bronte was gay,” said Printz, as the sweat puddle expanded to a sweat lake. “God, I wish spring break was in another 2 weeks. Can we make this semester longer?”

Printz is thinking about maybe looking into expanding his major to last another year, thinking he might have everything figured out if he can have just twelve more months.

“Who knows,” Printz said, “maybe I’ll finally figure out my purpose. Or maybe I’m just needlessly racking up more student debt. I guess I’ll find out.”


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