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UNC Senior Set To Graduate; Folt Suspected to Have Something Up Her Sleeve

When UNC senior Zac Bosey was a freshman at UNC, he managed to get all of the classes he needed for his first semester while registering. That same year, he won basketball tickets to a Duke game through the lottery system, and consistently found a parking spot on campus (despite the rule against Freshmen having cars). As a senior at UNC, that luck has continued to follow him.

“Yeah, I just got my dream job working as a programmer at Google. I went on one interview, and they immediately said, ‘You’re hired!’” claims Bosey, when asked about his plans after graduation. “Getting a job was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Why is everyone so stressed about it?”

Although many were shocked by Bosey’s quick jump to success, Chancellor Carol Folt stated that it was nothing less than what should be expected from a UNC graduate.

“Zac Bosey is no more than your average Tar Heel,” Chancellor Carol Folt stated, “Here at Carolina, we strive to go above and beyond, and Zac is one of countless Carolina students doing just that!”

Some of Bosey’s friends (or ex-friends now) refuse to even say his name when asked about his success. Fellow senior Lucy Gellard, for instance, is also a computer science major who attempted to get the same job as Bosey.

“I’ve gone to 5 interviews for that job. I haven’t heard back yet. How did he get hired so quickly?” asked Gellard, frowning. “He’s almost too perfect at everything… I wonder if he’s really human sometimes.”

One of Bosey’s first friends at UNC, Chad Huntington, claims Bosey has always been lucky.

“I don’t know how, but Zac has never failed anything,” claims Huntington. “He passed COMP 110 with an A+ despite never programming before, his GPA is somehow a 4.2 (even though he doesn’t drink from the Old Well, something about being allergic to water?), and worst of all, I’ve watched him beat every member of the men’s basketball team in a pickup game of basketball. I’m starting to think the guy’s a robot designed by Carol Folt to motivate UNC students or something! I’m sure I’m wrong though…. ”

Carol Folt refused to comment on Huntington’s last statement, but as Bosey walked away from the interview, an oil can with a straw was seen placed in his back pocket, and his walking was noticed to be very mechanical. It should also be mentioned that Carol Folt has been seen around the Kenan Science Library MakerSpace with large amounts of metal, screws, and paint, muttering, “I’ll show them how to thrive at Carolina.”

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