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UNC Student Pretty Disappointed To Discover There’s A Football Team

Senior Madyson Pendle describes herself as “a Tar Heel born and bred.” She dresses exclusively in UNC t-shirts and sweatshirts, and knows every single cheer. What she did not seem to know, is that UNC also has a football team.

“Since freshman year, I’ve done victory laps down Franklin Street every time we beat Duke, when we were Natty Champs, and even that one time we weren’t,” bragged Pendle. “My most prized possession is a piece of cloth I tore off of Joel’s jersey. I keep it framed.”

However, when asked how she felt about UNC football, Pendle grew silent. A blank expression grew on her face, as she slowly came to a realization.

“Wait, we have a football team?” she asked. “How come I’ve never heard of it?”

Other UNC students were in a similar position.

“So all of those people drinking outside are tailgating? I thought we just chose to day drink outside during the fall,” claimed junior Jamison Matthews. “I mean, it’s sure not to celebrate the ‘football team.’”

Pendle claims to have never heard of the football team because of her love for the basketball team. “I mean, we actually win basketball games,” she stated.

Matthews claims that he’ll keep an open mind when it comes to football. “I guess we haven’t lost all of our games, just most of them. Guess we’re only, like, 91% losers.”

“If I pretend they don’t exist, maybe they’ll just go away,” stated Pendle.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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