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UNC Students “Forget” to Return from Thanksgiving Break

Thanksgiving break is over, but the usual mass migration of Tar Heels back to campus is nowhere to be seen. Although break ended Friday the 24th, come Monday, the University of North Carolina remained a ghost town. Two days into the week, there is little more life on campus.

Administrators wonder: What happened to all of the Carolina students? Freshman Annie Jenkins was willing to shed some light on the subject.

“I live in Craige,” Annie explained, “and only me and three other kids have come back for school. I’m pretty sure everyone else is just avoiding finals. I talked to my roommate on the phone the other day, and she said she’d just gotten so in the swing of things at home that she didn’t feel up to going back to all of the college stress.”

Seemingly, most students lack any better excuse. Missing junior Clarence Royce responded to phone call yesterday.

“Oh, is UNC back in session already?” He asked monotonously, “Ah jeez, I guess I forgot. Oh well. There’s always next semester.”

Economics professor Thomas Quintley brought his own insight into the matter.

“I’m pretty sure my students just don’t want to turn in the essay I assigned them on applying the Coase Theorem to the Tar Heels basketball squad,” he sighed, “I told them I wanted a hard copy brought to me in person, and they’re using that as a way to get out of submitting it. I’m not even surprised, honestly. People are always underestimating the amount of motivation college students lose by November.”

Although prospects of the student body returning by finals seem dim, administrators maintain hope. Chancellor Carol Folt has put out word that all students who make it back to UNC by the end of the week will receive 25% off on any Student Stores purchase over $50. When asked via Skype about the deal, senior Amy Cross was unimpressed.

“I might go back if I can ever get myself off of my couch,” she shrugged, “but I’m not bothered. Besides, 25% off at the Student Stores is like full price anywhere else.”

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