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UNC Students Go to Extreme Lengths to Optimize CDS Swipes As Semester Nears End

With just over two school weeks left until finals, UNC students with block meal plans have begun to realize they have more swipes left than meals in the semester. Some are resigned to end the term with an unusable surplus in meal swipes, but most refuse to accept the financial loss. Paying the university for uneaten meals lies in direct contradiction with “sticking it to the man,” and Tar Heels know that every leftover swipe on their One Card is just one more blow to their dignity.

“So,” there are about three weeks left in the semester, and I somehow have 300 meal swipes, which is more than I started with,” confessed sophomore Joe Weaver, “but don’t worry, I have a plan. You know how in Lord of the Rings the hobbits eat multiple of every meal? I’m applying that to my life now. Actually, I’ve got to go, I’m late meeting my friend for second breakfast.”

Others are taking a more charitable approach to utilizing their meal plan by standing on Franklin and offering to swipe random strangers into Lenoir. Unfortunately, this method is not without risks.

“Yeah, so I did accidentally invite a few minor felons into the meal hall,” admits student Cara Rowe, “And they did steal all of the silverware. And salt shakers. There are now literally no forks or salt in Lenoir. But you know what? At least I won’t be letting precious swipes go to waste.”

When asked about his opinion on the dining hall, the unnamed thief expressed that contrary to popular belief, the Top of Lenoir is not, in fact, lit.

“I was hoping for more,” the scoundrel admitted, “but the peanut butter grinding machine was pretty sick; I’ll give them that.”

Despite the widespread surplus of meal swipes, most Tar Heels aren’t inclined to downgrade their meal plans for the approaching semester.

“I just keep worrying that like, the apocalypse will hit or something, and everywhere will be wiped out except CDS. You can’t be too careful these days. If I have to live off of pizza and cereal, I will. If nothing else, college has prepared me for that.”

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