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UNC Students Prepare Anxiously For Seeing Basketball Players In Class

Instead of planning his new study schedule, sophomore Cory Justice is busy planning future interactions with classmates of unusually tall stature. 

“So like, I’d probably just be casually wearing a UNC Basketball shirt,” Justice began excitedly. “Like an older one. You know, something I would have just casually thrown on. Then I’d wait a little while to notice him, y’know? Then I’d casually say, ‘Oh hey, I’ve seen you at a basketball game, haven’t I?’ And he’d probably nod or something.”

In Justice’s fantasy, Joel Berry (his example) would then tell Justice he looks like he’s an excellent point guard. Justice would proceed to tell Berry that he was recruited to play, but figured it was too much of a time commitment, prompting Berry to call Justice very smart for focusing on his “me time.”

“He’d ask me to play and I’d be like ‘Yeah, I guess,’” Justice said. “That would sort of kick off the lasting friendship, y’know? Except I’d never show up. Because I don’t know how to play basketball, and this way — I will become a mystery Joel wants to solve.”

Belle Pawlerd said that she knows the stars will align so that she and Luke Maye will have a class together.

“Since Luke’s a Pisces, and since, well—” She laughed. “You can probably tell…but I’m a Scorpio. And let’s just say…those signs are compatible.” She laughed again. “I know he’s in B-school, and I’m a freshman, but I mean, fate is fate.”

Pawlerd claims she once shouted “LUUUUKKKKKEEEEEEE!” during a game and they briefly made eye contact. Because of this, Pawlerd believes Luke has been stalking her Coursicle account, aligning his classes with hers. She declined to offer evidence of this, citing her “astrological senses.”

Tommy John, a nutrition major, doesn’t really know what he’d do. “Uh, give them a Nutrigrain bar, I guess?” he said. “Athletes need fuel. So if Theo ended up in my walking LFIT, I’d maybe subtly slip the bar into his hand and offer a smile. Or, like, if he wanted, I could feed it to him. Whatever he wants, really.”

Chad Masselmouth said it would be “chill if it happened.” “You know, I only really give off good, chill vibes so I wouldn’t be surprised if a good portion of the team sat down beside me, especially Joel.”

He said he’d start by shaking their hands, hoping his Vineyard Vines shirt makes a good impression.

“Then I’d be like, ‘Yo, I’m in DKE. I’m sure you all are very familiar with the best frat on campus. Y’all ever need a place to get lit, it’s no problem. Just ask whichever one of my pledges working the front for Chad.’”

Maya Hooper said she doesn’t care if she sits beside one of the men’s basketball players. “But I mean,” she added, ”if Paris Kea ends up beside me…then I’m interested.”

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