As Hurricane Florence prepares to destroy the Carolinas worse than UNC has been beaten in football this season, students have been given the next few days off from classes in order to remain safe, and like, party and stuff.
“Yeah, I’m pretty scared,” claimed freshman Kendall Baison, when asked about Hurricane Florence. “Not of the storm, but that I’m still going to have a bio exam Monday. I could spend the long weekend studying, but like let’s be real I’m gonna be drunk.”
Frat brothers Chad Boiseman and Jackson Pollson said they were just going to “ride this one out.”
“We have enough liquids for everyone at the AEπ house,” claimed Boiseman. “Whatever you want, we probably have it. Natty Light, Miller Light, Coors Light. It’s about to be lit. We might all die anyway, so might as well boof some beers, right?”
Other students had decided that evacuating from Chapel Hill was a better plan. Freshman Emily Ernst is heading to Ohio after her last class.
“Yeah, I’m not really sure why anyone’s staying here. FOOLS. I can’t wait for my mom to do my laundry. Plus, I’m already bored of dining hall food and Chick-fil-A.” claimed Ernst. “Oh yeah, I guess I’m glad to miss out on the hurricane too.”
Though most all of campus is worried about their safety, more students are worried that the long weekend might not be long enough.
“Thank God for this hurricane,” stated senior Kate Chaping. “I have 3 papers and 2 midterms due next week, and that’s a lot of stress. I ‘m glad I have these extra couple days to just breathe, and like, get trashed.”
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.