Some seniors are either fortunately or unfortunately (there is no in-between) graduating at the end of this semester, and you can literally smell the excitement wafting off of them (it’s musky)! Seniors, take a moment to celebrate. You grew (maybe grew a beard/tackled that freshman 15), got a degree, maybe a job offer, and you did it all in 4-7 years without getting murdered in the woods. You probably also got yourself into soul crushing debt along the way. Uncle Sam may not break your kneecaps, but he will break your spirit, and if your part time job at Mr. Chopsticks isn’t cutting it, don’t panic! We’ve put together a few tips on ways to pay back your student loans, saving you hundreds of dollars on the Xanax prescriptions you will undoubtedly come to rely on.
5.) Busk in the Square:
It’s likely everyone you know and love told you that Jazz Studies degree was useless, but you’ll show them when you’re bringing home 5, maybe 10 bucks a night busking on the square. Let’s see an engineering student do that! This is also a great option for those who bought a fedora three years ago, but never got to put her to use. You may be thinking “but I don’t know how to play an instrument,” or “the last time I sang, my aunt threatened to end her life.” Don’t worry, you can always stand around naked and call it performance art until the police arrive. The only downside is finding a spot not currently occupied by another UNT graduate playing Coltrane, but that’s nothing a little assault can’t fix.
4.) Sell Your Body (not like a prostitute, unless that’s your thing fam):
Treat your body like your attic; if you didn’t know something was in there, you probably don’t need to keep it. Bone marrow…what even is that? Who cares, your body’s a temple of petty cash. You can become a professional plasma dealer and make up to $30 a week! Just watch out for those plasma sharks, they’ll trick you into just giving your plasma away because “so and so has leukemia,” or whatever.
3.) Sell Your Hair:
If you’re too much of a candy ass to fork over your insides, we’ve still got you covered. Shave your head. With the alarming influx of man buns lurking around campus, this one’s not just for the ladies anymore. It’s simple, grow your hair out to at least Pentecostal mermaid length. Your hair is then harvested to make wigs and extensions for the Kardashian race. Again- don’t let “so and so who has leukemia” convince you to donate.
2.) Medical Trials:
Against animal testing? Us too. For too long those pompous rats have taken all the credit for advancing medical science. And don’t even get us started on monkeys, the red headed stepchildren of the human race. You, as a human adult person, can get compensated $50 just for bragging about all the sexscapades that landed you that sweet bacterial infection. Other trials are a bit more risky, but soon you will understand that that post-graduation backpacking trip through Europe isn’t going to happen, and taking a possibly life threatening experimental drug for money will give you the same sense of adventure in your own hospital’s backyard!
And who knows, maybe you’ll end up with a cool new ear on your back.
1.) Find a Wizard:
You must journey to another realm and seek the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn. There, you will find Zorander, master of the dark arts, and behold the boundless power of the occult. Find him, and tell him you will dry clean his starry robe for half of what he pays Susan at Wash and Go, because wizards are suckers for a great deal.