Let’s face it: Black Friday is not for the weak. Your family needs every last $99 clock radio you can get your hands on, and to do that, you need to train yourself. As of right now, the odds are not in your favor. The trampling soccer mom gone mad stories will happen, as they do every year, and you could very well be the next victim. After all, they don’t make “Death Count” websites for any ol’ day. But never fear: we have a guide that guarantees a deal-filled, non-death experience on this most gracious of days. With these five moves, you’ll be prepared to face the most vicious coupon clippers out there.
5.) Hit the Quan:
That Blu Ray player your cousin has been wanting for years is finally marked down by $20, and, if you execute the classic “Quan” just like Terry and Kendrick, you may distract the competish long enough to nab that sucker.
4.) The Dab:
This is one move you have to add to your arsenal for Friday. Look at how Cam does it: is it a sneeze? An involuntary convulsion? These are the questions those fools at WalMart will be asking as you Dab your way to snatching anything and everything you want. That Dad who wants nothing more than the latest G.I. Joe (or whatever the hell) for his son will just have to wait until next year.
3.) Whip/Nae Nae:
Now, we know what you’re thinking: there’s no way you’ll be able to master it like Hillary and her two friends. Yes, this is definitely true. But it won’t matter if your Whip/Nae Nae is at a novice level: the poor bastards will be too busy scrambling for their iPhones to record you rockin’ this move all the way to the checkout lane.
2.) The YMCA:
Sometimes you have to bring out the classics. The mysterious karate group “Village People” first brought this one on the scene, forever changing all nightclubs and fight clubs. That hospice volunteer thinks he’s getting that foot $299 bath for Mrs. Higgins? Dream on, sucker.
1.) The Carlton Dance:
Ah, here we have it: the trump card of Black Friday moves. If you can do it even half as well as that fellow on the left, you’ll be in good shape to swipe every last $5 copy of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 while every other shopper just stares, dumbstruck.
If you add these five moves to your arsenal before Friday, you’ll be prepared for anything and everything that comes your way. Happy Thanksgiving, and stay safe out there.