The light at the end of the semester is almost visible, but still currently overshadowed with doom. Every past grade earned this semester now hangs over your head, forcing you to question if you had tried hard enough. Dagger-like insults parade through your thoughts, your knuckles white, as you cross your fingers that finals week will miraculously raise your awful grades. However, if you wish to keep the self-degradation to a minimum and not rely purely on luck/your own ability to study and get good grades, faking your own death is always a pretty, pretty good option. The Black Sheep is here to help aid you find the best place to hide while professors mark “Absent — Dead” on your exams.
This dreadful place is what caused you so much misery to begin with, so why not haunt this department during your finals sabbatical? Want to take a look at your free-falling GPA? Hit up the Registrar! They’ll make sure not to greet you with a smiling face. Hang out behind the desk where all the magic happens, and no one will find you until after the last grade is posted.
Tornado Safe Area in Language Building:
Under the stairs on the first floor of the Language Building is the perfect place to seek shelter when faking your own death. Texas weathermen may continuously tell the people of North Texas their life is in danger, but no real threat has emerged. Make this tornado safe zone your hangout pad for a week or two, and rest assured knowing you’ll go completely unnoticed. The few heretics who do seek shelter in one of the “major” storms are… mostly harmless.
With the construction of the new Union came the pleasant smell of manure, which means shrubs! Shrubbery on campus is a free, safe place to hide yourself away any time of year. Can’t find the perfect shrub for your body type? Find a campus tree and a squirrel costume, and your problem is solved. Hop on up, climb those limbs, and hang out. Eat an acorn while you’re at it, feel yourself becoming a squirrel. This is by far the easiest, cheapest, and most entertaining way of avoiding those exams and other adult responsibilities for the next week while friends and family frantically, hilariously search for your body.
Top of The Bell Tower:
The Bell Tower captures the attention of UNT students every hour with its incessant chiming, either inspiring pride or school sprit, reminding them of their tardiness as they dash off to class. However, every Monday at 5p.m. “These Are a Few of My Favorite Things” can be heard throughout campus, and keeps the atmosphere of the day chipper. Some might question the validity of the Bell Tower as a hideout, however, how often is the Bell Tower actually glanced at? A survey of five people showed results of 0%. No one can argue that math. Climb up the Bell Tower, lie under the chimes, enjoy the music and hide away from all those finals.
Sycamore Hall Elevator:
To orchestrate this plan, students will need access to a printer, and must possess excellent font skills to make a sign that reads “Out Of Order.” Tape it up to the crusty elevator door of this old death trap, and slip safely inside. Make sure to bring a bag of necessities that you will need to remain comfortable and entertained for at least a week while confined in this 2×3 enclosure. Pick up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try, like puzzling, knitting, or other sad games lonely people partake in.
Finals are not projected to kill all students this year, like those F4 tornadoes were. Instead, these tips are meant for the small percentage of students who are likely to not do well during finals week… Or for any student who’s worked so hard this semester they could use a week to play hooky and sleep for a few days straight.