2015 is here, and just as Back To The Future predicted, hoverboards are here too! With wheels! Wow! There’s no way you’ve been outside and not seen these wall-corner chippers and sleek sidewalk skidders sweeping the nation like a Roomba you can ride. Functional, stylish, and the equivalent of a rolling Ed Hardy shirt, this accessory will guarantee you’re the coldest customer on the block. The only way you could look cooler is if you were riding it in the Arctic (The Black Sheep does not advise this, there are very few wall plug-ins in the Arctic with which to charge your board). Here are six activities to do with your new best friend!
1.) Take it on the kind of date your significant other wishes you still took them on:
Remember long walks around the river with Nancy? Go-karting with Brad? Building demolition with that guy whose name you never learned? See how much more fun it could be with your hoverboard! A partner for any and all activities (and Nikki says the hoverboard is a great kisser too, ow ow!).
2.) Pour a can of soup on it:
You’ve seen the videos! Classics like, “Crazy S.O.B. Pours Soup on Hoveboard,” “Whacky Kids Dump Three Full Cans of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup On Hoverboard,” “Dad Tricks Hoverboard Into Driving Into A Full Pool Of Beef Stroganoff,” and more! So join in on the craze and open up a can of broth on your hoverboard when it least expects it! Wild!
3.) Look as stoic as possible to hide how much you enjoy hoverboarding:
We here at The Black Sheep know how it is. You bought your cool new hoverboard, and after a few scraped knees and concussions, you’re off, rolling, and having a great time! But! You didn’t buy this ‘board to have fun. You bought it for the federal benefits and the social capital the “rolling lifestyle,” as the kids call it, would instantly bestow upon you, and there’s no better way to instantly negate all that street cred than by visibly showing emotion. So suck up those smiles like you have consistently since Dad ruined Christmas again in ’03, and roll away with a joyous heart, but a visage as stony as Mount Rushmore’s asshole.
4.) Run over snakes:
It’s a little-known fact that a rudimentary version of the hoverboard (consisting of a log that the operator rolled on) was originally made to aid in St. Patrick’s snake-fighting efforts in Ireland. As we all know, not even the seediest alley in Dublin harbors those horrible little reptiles anymore, so why don’t you get crackin’ and squish some of those little slimy bastards? Please? They’re all over my house. I can’t get in my bed.
5.) Put on a two-man show:
Most hoverboards are programmed to be master thespians, and love to put on plays. You may ask yourself, “How can this be? A hoverboard doesn’t even have a body to gesture with, much less a face to convey expressions the audience can relate to.” Well, we’ll see if you’re still thinking that when you’re reduced to tears by its recitation of Hamlet’s Soliloquy, an experience Broadway Magazine calls, “definitely kind of weird!”
6.) Return your hoverboard to its ancestral home amongst the stars:
This technology was bestowed to us by great beings that function beyond our understanding, yet continually look out for us in their great charity. To give thanks, when your hoverboard’s time on Earth expires (signified to us through the Great Battery Drain), you must return your Metallic Mobile Child where it belongs-the heavens above, rolling through the cosmos, as it has for millennia before us, and will for millennia after we’re gone.