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Albino Squirrel Makes Announcement at Men’s Basketball Game, Chaos Ensues

Our North Texas Mean Green basketball team matched up against Charlotte over the weekend, but it wasn’t the rival schools game that’s had the whole campus talking. Rather, it’s an incident that happened right at halftime, when UNT’s beloved, unofficial mascot – the albino squirrel – dragged a microphone to half court, interrupting the dance team and chittered little squirrel noises over the PA.  Needless to say, the campus has since been in an uproar. 


We reached out to a few students on campus, the first being frightened English major Tony Albanese. “I think it was an omen. We only see the squirrel when something is about to happen,” Tony told us, shifty eyed. “The first time I saw the squirrel, he was sitting on a bike wheel, and two days later my tire popped on the highway. It was telling me that it was meant to happen.” Tony went on to light a picnic table on fire and scream at the heavens “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT ALBINO SQUIRREL? ARE YOU SATIATED YET YOU PSYCHO SQUIRREL?” 


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Tony isn’t the only one who’s attributing deity status to the squirrel and calling the halftime interruption an omen. “That white devil emerged from some bushes and blam I got a text that my best friend’s sister was pregnant. Coincidence? I think not… I wonder what is in store for us now that our mysterious woodland friend has gone and done something huge like this. Could be a natural disaster. Like a volcano or something,” she finished, wide-eyed. 


Despite these two confessions from students who are perhaps frazzled by midterms, you have to wonder if they’re on to something. It could be possible that the albino squirrel was trying to tell us something, as junior Billy Rush admitted: “Like, what if it’s a declaration of war, now hear me out. He’s the leader of the squirrels, which makes sense because he’s so majestic and beautiful. Maybe before they went into hibernation the squirrels decided they were going to finally take over this squirrel-forsaken town… but then, then the albino squirrel changed his minds, and decided humans were worth sparing,” Billy said out of breath. After a moment he followed up: “Sorry I fell asleep watching Planet of the Apes on loop last night. What were we talking about?”


Still, others have more theories. Vanessa Thatcher, a student from Charlotte, commented, “This is a very odd school. Your basketball court seems outdated, in fact most of their campus does. And you’re stuck in a very odd little town. Like something out of the 50s. Denton is nothing compared to Charlotte.” When we informed Vanessa that that was more of an insult than a theory on why a white squirrel squeaked into a microphone at halftime of a game we won, by the way, she asked “what the hell we were talking about,” and why we “cared about a white little rodent so much.” 




Who knows maybe this meant nothing, or maybe we need to pray and make sacrifice to the squirrel god Cthulhu in order to right he wrong we have bestowed upon him before an army of blood-thirst squirrels rains from the trees.


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