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BREAKING: Jason Lee Buys All of Denton, Announces It As Set For New “Alvin And The Chipmunks” Movie

 

In a move that has stunned the flannel capital of the Southwest, Barley & Board baron Jason Lee purchased the entire municipality of Denton in a move characterized by city council members as “very un-Dave like.” Moreover, the self-crowned Emperor of Harvest House announced that he planned for the entire town to be the set of the fifth Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Theo’s Reckoning, with residents contractually obligated to appear as extras at some point. Locals shared their reactions to the unprecedented purchase.

 

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“God, I knew he was thinking about it, but I didn’t think he’d actually do it,” said Denton Skate Supply employee Melvin Wheels. “One night last week, he burst in right before closing, like he always does, completely trashed and trying to do a front-side grind on the sales counter and falling on his ass, like he ALWAYS does. But this night, after he fell a few times and threw his skateboard away, he started yelling, ‘I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna buy the whole goddamned town.’ He passed out, we put a cover on him, and I thought nothing of it, but I guess I’m going to be Screaming Chipmunk Fan #53 now, so whatever.”

 

Jason Lee’s business partner in Barley and Board, Midlake singer Eric Pulido, expressed similar surprise at his recent move.

 

“Well, truth be told, Jason’s been acting really weird recently,” confessed Eric, wringing his hands nervously and repeatedly checking over his shoulder. “He’s been guzzling absinthe at work and ranting about how everyone in Midlake thinks they’re “such hot shits” because McKenzie [Smith, drummer] owns 940s, I own a design firm and Redwood Studios, Eric [Nichelson] and Jesse [Chandler] own Denton Music Workshops, and the whole band collectively owns Paschall’s. Last night he ran into Barley and Board completely naked except for a cape and wouldn’t answer to anyone unless we addressed him as ‘Earl.’

 

Eventually we got it out of him that he had something big planned, something that would make him ‘bigger than God’ and that whatever he had in mind ‘would finally make Pilot Inspektor proud of Pa Earl’ [Editor’s note – Pilot Inspektor is the name of Jason Lee’s son]. And then he came in the next day like nothing happened. But I guess this is what he wanted.” Eric shook his head ruefully, tears beginning to stream down his face. “You did it, you sick bastard, you actually did it. You’re bigger than God now, and I’m ‘Chipmunk Limo Driver.’”

 

Upon leaving Barley and Board, The Black Sheep confirms that loud cries of “Aaaaaaalviiiiiiiin” were heard from atop the Denton County Courthouse as a half-naked, bearded Jason Lee was seen climbing up the sides.

 

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