In June of last year, S.B 11 was thrust from the civil uterus of Texas government and signed into law, making everyday Bring Your Handgun to School Day for licensed carriers. Students at the University of Texas are openly carrying dildos on campus in protest, but UNT has yet to join the resistance because A) come on, we already do that and B) the majority of students are convinced this is one big joke. When news of the law first broke, a poll showed 63% of students believed this was just ol’ Greg Abbott up to his antics in the capital again, while 26% thought the bill was referring to nerf guns, and 11% dropped out of school completely. Nine months have passed, and some students continue to cling desperately to the coattails of sweet, sexy denial.
In a historically half-assed attempt to address public concerns over the legislation, Representative Allen Fletcher (R-Cypress) assured Texans that campus carry will not be problematic because “plenty of students already bring guns to class illegally, and there hasn’t been any school shootings in-what’s that? Oh.”
To be fair, public universities will have some say as to where guns can and cannot be carried on campus. One professor’s syllabus reads “do not have your gun out during class. If it’s an emergency you can take it out in the hall. Just know if your gun goes off during an exam, you will get a zero.”
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The Campus Carry Task Force has held a series of open forums to address any confusion over the policy, but most of their efforts have instead gone into convincing students and faculty that a mentally capable adult actually signed this bill into law. “This is just too soon after all those school shootings and the Hunger Games movies,” says sophomore Amber Crass brushing off her old Evanescence albums.
Others, like UNT linebacker Jake Sanchez, responded to the news with a lion-hearted attempt at positivity. “Well, this will really motivate the crowd to stomp their feet and clap their hands when the cheerleaders tell them to do so. And if I just take 27 hours a semester, I’ll have graduated by the time students, and people pretending to be students, start bringing loaded firearms to debate tournaments!”
Multinational retailer H&M knows nothing sells like the fear of a nation. Yesterday, the trendy clothing store announced a new line of S.B 11 inspired bulletproof vests will hit shelves next Spring. “We want students to know being inches away from death’s cold embrace is no reason to not look your best,” says head of marketing Kayla Vogel. The line features bold animal prints for women, chic leather for men, and a v-necked plaid number for those on the fence. “If those kids in Bangladesh would hurry up, we’ll also have a bedazzled one that says ‘Hottie.’” Shoppers can even personalize the vests with emergency contact numbers and stickers that say “organ donor.”
Hopefully, Campus Carry will not contribute to any gun related incidents, and we can all go on pretending this is 2016 and not the old west. But in the meantime, rest assured, the Campus Carry Taskforce will watch over this campus and its citizens like a group of mormon chaperones at an 8th grade dance. “Whenever you need us, just whip out your guns and shoot at the sky like Yosemite Sam, and we’ll be there.”