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Colder Weather Sends Hipsters into Riot at Local Thrift Store


As November begins, the good old Texas sun spends less time frying our skin at an even 104 degrees, and turns down the heat to mid-90s. This drastic change called for all students to replace every pair of shorts with their ever-so-original leggings and, thankfully, to begin to cover their midriffs. For hipsters, this change in temperature changes more than just the transition from high-waisted shorts to a great pair of mom jeans. No, this temperature change calls for much, much more: the search for the best pre-scandal Cosby sweater. However, these prescription-less glasses wearing kids weren’t expecting the events that took place last Thursday when the weather went from 90 degrees to an unbearable 89.


Meadowflower McFarts, a junior at UNT, witnessed the event unfold at a local thrift hotspot. McFarts stated that the riot began when a flood of college aged students wearing matching penny loafers scuttled into Denton Thrift, and that she was standing in the sweater section, perusing the colorful patterned yarn and contemplating some turtle necks when the stampede began. Cosby sweater enthusiasts rushed through the door and immediately dashed to the land of sweaters. “The last thing I saw before I blacked out was a very poorly grown beard,” she recalled.


Employees of the thrift store filled in the gaps that McFarts couldn’t account for. One employee wearing leftover costume materials of a sombrero, wedding gown and reused underwear explained what she saw leading up to McFart’s blackout. “As the sea of un-showered hipsters rushed through the door, one had an eye for the carrot patterned sweater that McFarts was previously holding.” The man-bunned scruffy man took down McFarts with a move he learned in yoga-kwan-do, a new type of yoga you probably haven’t heard about yet.


Another employee informed us that McFarts wasn’t the only one injured in Thursday’s riot. The thrift store found footage that claimed a few other victims were trampled by the penny loafers, and more fights broke out when a student found a sweater decorated with birds in hats. This particular sweater caught the attention of more than five Portlandia-watching kids, who love the idea of things with birds on them.


The surveillance camera also caught multiple beanie-removal instigated fights break out near the freshly hung winter coats. A small group separated from the cluster of strange looking students in the sweater aisle and darted for the coats, taking down other customers in the process. A frequent customer of the store, Ima Oldie, told her horror story as the group of presumably art majors approached: “Them pesky kids took the spotted, faux fur Dalmatian raincoat I had my eye on.” A frequent thrifter who’s well known amongst the employees, Ima is pretty territorial around the clothes she finds, and admitted to tripping multiple hipster students with her cane in her attempt to grab her prized coat.


Unfortunately, Ima lost the race for the coat to a girl deep in the original-trend of loving cats, who refused to give up the coat in order to stay warm in the dropping temperatures.


These cooler temperatures led to many closet clean outs and the demise of one old lady’s dreams. Fellow hipster students are now asked to enter thrift stores three at a time to reduce future thrift-asters. Anyone willing to help pick up the unraveled sweaters is asked to contact Denton Thrift.


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