The first recorded incident of the civil war between policemen took place in the early sixteenth century, when a boat cop slept with the wife of a horse cop and the two settled their differences in a duel. Neither survived. Even today the inter-cop civil war wages on, but now the clashing is between vehicle cops and bicycle cops which started a year ago when a vehicle cop ran down and over a bike cop because he “despised the confidence of the bike cop.” This is one of many incidents that have caused the violence between the two parties to rise to new heights.
“I hate them. I hate them all,” said Don Tumble, a vehicle cop who works in South Denton. “The way that they look, the way that they peddle, the way that they disrespect those who come in their way. They need to be stopped. It’s gotten out of control.” The vehicle cops have joined together to create the Alliance Against Bike Policeman, or the AABP.
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The bike cops have taken a much more violent approach. “We signed a formal declaration of war on a nationwide scale… well right now the campus are of Denton,” said Tom Randy, bicycle cop extraordinaire. “But we think we are in a very similar position to the 13 colonies and the vehicle cops are Great Britain in that we are being oppressed and stuff. So we’re done with that.”
The bicycle policemen are also looking into resurrecting general Ulysses S. Grant to lead the upcoming battle. “His expertise is unmatched on the battlefield, and we think that with his help we can make this a swift war with few battles. We hired Geek Squad to look into it so we think there’s a pretty good chance that we get him,” Randy told The Black Sheep.
Undercover cops have yet to pick a side, however both parties are lobbying them, as they would be a useful resource in the upcoming war. “The undercover cops would be a great help because you can never see them coming,” said Tumble. “They are like the girl from The Fantastic Four, but with guns and pepper spray and all that.”
The future is unclear for cops everywhere. Time will tell which side will prove the victor, but it is the opinion of The Black Sheep that the bike cops have a good chance if they get Ulysses S. Grant. Until this war is settled, do not expect policeman to do be doing policeman things. Anarchy may soon be upon us.