If you’ve been wondering what that smell was that has been surrounding the University Union, you’re not alone. During the first week of school thousands of students were taken aback by the dastardly smell that encircled our fresh, new building.
“I almost amputated my nose,” said James Maxon, freshman at North Texas. “It was the Simon Cowell of smells; the foulest of the foul.” Initial reports pointed to the bathrooms located near the Burger King, but after a brief investigation these restrooms were proven to be innocent. In fact, the odor inside the restrooms could be described as “delightful,” albeit by a man in a janitor suit holding a mop just outside the bathroom.
Once the possibility of the Burger King restrooms were eliminated, it was unclear as to what had caused the odor. Some speculated that it might have been caused by an angry mob of flatulent squirrels, but that was quickly cast aside because squirrels do not experience anger. For countless days there were no real leads as to how this crime against humanity manifested. T
hat was the case until the cause of the stench himself stepped forward.
Nigel (he claims that he does not have a last name) came forward in a private interview with The Black Sheep. “Your damn right it was me, and I would do it a million times over again,” he told us. Early on the morning of the 19th, Nigel dressed himself in all black and crept to the top floor of the Union. He made his way to the garden, as he put it “I knew nobody would be up there. It is really such a boring garden.” Nigel double checked that the coast was clear, put on some jazz-fusion to put himself in the mood, and dropped a substantial turd.
“I did it for a number of reasons. Most importantly to prove to the student body that the garden is absolutely useless. By that, I mean, nobody goes up there. I also had just finished a forty and thought it sounded like a really good idea.” Whatever the reason, it is undeniable that Nigel’s actions have had a significant impact across campus.
The Black Sheep brought in odor expert Giovanni Gogo to analyze the stench. Gogo resides in southern France, so we paid for his flight to the DFW metroplex. The price is always high for the best, and in this particular case we spared no expense. His findings were astounding, as they confirmed what most of the students believed. “It is one of the worst smells in human history, and I can say that with the utmost confidence.”
The events that took place on the morning of the 19th will linger for some time, in both the minds and the noses of the students who smelt what Nigel produced. “Although nobody saw me do it, I am hoping my confession will allow my fellow students to understand the importance of what I did. It was a magical moment. One I won’t soon forget.” The student body, much like Nigel, will not be forgetting it anytime soon.