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EXCLUSIVE: Leaked 2016-2017 UNT Musicals

 

We here at The Black Sheep pride ourselves in providing UNT with quality investigative journalism. Or at least we would if we had any pride left within us. Through questionable means (according to judgy witnesses), we were able to obtain the theater department’s unreleased 2017 musical line up. You’re welcome UNT.

 

A Very Merry Kurdish Rebellion:

Generally speaking, the best way to process tragic world events is to slap The Musical! on the tail end. That’s why UNT proudly presents A Very Merry Kurdish Rebellion, coming to you this Christmas season. Set in the north pole for some reason, the play covers the ongoing conflict between Kurdish factions and the Turkish republic. It’s written from the unique perspective of a 19 year old from Denton who read nearly ¾ of a Huffington Post article on the complex discord between the Turks and Kurds. Audiences are sure to be captivated by this unapologetic political critique, set to such notable songs as: Silent Night…We Don’t Trust It, Grandma Got Run Over by an Insurgent’s Tank, and I Saw Mommy Kissing a Turkish Guard So We Can Eat Tonight.

 

Caligula in Paris:

This story transports history’s own King Joffery, the infamous Emperor Caligula, to the dreamy surroundings of 1920s Paris. Through a series of amusing incidents, Caligula attempts to make his way in a world where round-the-clock executions and sex banquets don’t get a guy everywhere. This whimsical performance has something for every  eagle: carnage, (horse) romance, brain fever induced sacrifices, the list goes on. It even features a lively dance number in which F. Scott Fitzgerald teaches young Caligula to fox trot in exchange for his life.

 

The Very Hungry Caterpillar: An X-Rated Musical Comedy:

A bold choice for the North Texas theater department. The erotic funk opera draws inspiration from the much loved children’s book, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, while also drawing inspiration from what seems to be tentacle porn. “It doesn’t shy away from the butt stuff,” writer/convicted sex offender Paul Smith claims. No one under 18 is admitted and all attendees must complete a brief psychological evaluation before entering.

 

An Evening With Scrappy the Eagle:

An original “my story” piece written, directed, and performed by our very own Scrappy the Eagle. In this tell all performance, Scrappy confronts his mutant beginnings, his alcoholism, and his turbulent affair with former state senator Wendy Davis. Scrappy’s melodic “kaaaww” transports audiences through a diverse assortment of songs, including one heartbreaking ballad that details the discrimination Scrappy endured after the Bird Flu epidemic in 2003. According to sources, attendance will be mandatory for all registered students.

 

Other musicals that were considered:

The Adventures of Ebola Pig, Der Oberste Musik dieser Regel soll über alle, and The Vagina Monologues: A Tribute to David Bowie

 

We know it takes some major journalistic cajones to publish something like this, but we know the 2016-2017 lineup for the UNT Theater Department is one of, if not the, most sought-after things on this campus. We’re sure these will all sell out the moment ticket sales go online, so here’s hoping Scrappy takes his one-bird-show on the road. 

 

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