The spring semester is rolling to a close, and it definitely shows on campus. The library is filled with students pulling all-nighters on a daily basis, and the ten minutes in between classes is utilized to rejuvenate tired minds. The second half of the semester is always hell, however, The Black Sheep has come up with a few creative ways for any student looking to boost their GPA.
Adopt a child:
Most people think that adopting children is a whole lot of work, and that’s because it is. What they don’t take into account is the responsibility that adopting a child teaches you. Adopting a child is a surefire way to improve your GPA because you will suddenly realize that there is another human whose life is dependent on you! In no time your priorities will be corrected and your schoolwork will be of greater importance. You also will be responsible for a child, but that’s a small price to pay for a better grade.
Eliminating all other distractions:
This is mainly involving friends. When it comes down to it, friends have nothing to do with your GPA. If your grades are slipping, it might be time to consider excommunicating your friends. Inform them that you must never see them again as you are attempting to correct the errors you made earlier in the semester. Friends are temporary, but grades are forever. You also may want to consider excommunicating your dog, your family, and any other person who is close to you. Total social isolation is a way to ensure sadness and academic success.
Blackmail your professor:
This one’s tricky. Blackmailing is never a good first option, but if the going gets rough it might be something you want to think about. Stalk your professor for several days, recording each and every detail of their day. Once you witness them do something horribly embarrassing, tell them that you know about it and that you have photographic proof. This way, they’ll do either one of two things: Respect your blackmail and give you the grade you want, or call the police. But at least if you are in jail you have an excuse for why your grade is so low.
Brainwash a smart person to do your bidding:
For this one you’re going to need some equipment that can only be found on the black market. To access the black market all you need to do is approach a street and yell “ Zoboomafoo” and an unmarked black escalade will pick you up instantly. Once you enter the car, tell the man or woman your intentions and they will give you the proper supplies. All that is left is figuring out the smartest student in your class who will become your schoolwork helper without free will!
Forfeit your firstborn child:
This is a grim reality that not many students like to think about. If your grade is really struggling, and there is nothing else you can do, approach your professor with an offer. If the professor gives you an A in the course, sometime in the future you will hand over your firstborn child to the helpful professor. It’s a tough offer to turn down. If you aren’t willing to give away your unborn child for a good grade, you need to re-evaluate your priorities.
Finals are on the horizon and by now, you’ve dug yourself deep into a GPA-soul sucking slacker hole. But hopefully there’s a way out, and that way out isn’t studying and working hard, it’s something much more creative and easy to do, like blackmail!