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Hash Slinging Slasher Causes City-Wide Internet Outage in Denton


Last week, Charter Internet as well as many other Internet companies struggled to keep the Denton community online. The mystery of the missing connection kept the large Charter trucks on the streets, and strange Internet know-it-alls lurking in people’s windows. Fortunately, one week after the geek-squad cleared out, Denton residents have the answer behind their unexcused, overdue homework assignments. (I’m sorry again Senorita Martinez, I swear the Internet was down.)


Geek Squad member Tony Leeks let The Black Sheep in on the secret behind the outage. “No one’s going to believe me, but I know I saw someone lurking behind me one night when I was fixing an Internet box off Hickory. The lights of the home started flickering, green stuff started oozing from the walls, I received a phone call with no one on the other line and then a bus appeared and no one was on it.” Tony Leeks swears he is no SpongeBob SquarePants fanatic, and these are real life experiences, but upon further investigation and a full-body search his Mermaid-Man and Barnacle-Boy boxer-briefs confirmed: Tony Leeks is a liar.


However, after finishing the interview with Leeks and calling the Geek-Squad supervisor, it was discovered Tony Leeks is a 12-year-old boy and definitely not an employee with Geek Squad. Geek Squad Supervisor Ronald Greer did confirm that “Denton was a no-connection zone last week, I’m talking Internet, I’m talking romantic relationships, the connect four game board — all connectionless.” Ronald confirmed many employees were seen working on Internet boxes throughout Denton, however none of his employees have a spatula for a hand. Local stations were flooded with calls by those Denton citizens who did catch a glimpse of the alleged “Slasher.”


Amanda Ford, forensics major at UNT, confirmed she met eye to eye with a man that had a rusty spatula as an arm. “I saw a strange creature lurking near my router box last Thursday, he was using his rusty spatula to mess up some cords, he poured deep fryer grease on pretty much every cord.” When Ford went outside to confront the unknown “Hash Slinging Slasher,” Amanda mentioned, “a bus appeared out of no where, and the bastard was gone. My Internet was out for days.”


Neighbors of Ford experienced the same Internet outage that took out the whole black. Denton and UNT officials have no suspects in custody, but are asking residents to avoid lobster-esque busses coming or going to Bikini Bottom. Officials also ask residents to keep an eye out for any fish-like men with rusty spatulas for hands- not to be confused with chefs from Arby’s.


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