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Hilary Clinton Gives Secret Address at UNT, Teaches Women How to Be Impossible

 

Presidential candidate and token other Hillary Clinton gave a secret address to some lucky lady Eagles last night. Unsurprisingly, your favorite newspaper, The Black Sheep, went undercover as Women’s Studies students to get you the transcript of the night’s speech below. Also, we need help getting these clip in nose rings out… if available please stop by our headquarters, the dumpster by Sycamore Hall. 

 

Anyway, please enjoy these six tips from Hillary on how to be a successful woman in politics:

 

6.) Be Humble:

I have been Secretary of State for the past four years. I’ve spent eight years in the white house as the First Lady, and I have another eight years under my belt as a U.S senator. Still unqualified to hold office according to some of you! Which is fine! I’m so fine with it…Sure I negotiated a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas, but Bernie Sanders released a folk album in 1987 so…I’m fine with it!

 

Also, my new album “Stank Choices” drops this week.

 

5.) Have a Sense of Style:

Find the pantsuit that gets you strutting into a birth control debate with a conservative fossil.  But stumble a little so as not to look arrogant. As far as makeup goes, I find Estee Lauder’s “Unobtrusive Beige” lipstick gets me the least amount of death threats, but sometimes when I’m having non-alcoholic cocktails with Lena Dunham I go for “Unsullied Mauve.”

 

4.) Smile:

Always remember to smile. You are never fully dressed, or welcome in the public sphere, without an elegant, gentle, womanly smile. Simultaneously make sure your smile says ‘I am a wartime leader that will bring our enemies across the land to their knees.’ And make it sincere!

 

3.) On Shoes:

Obviously there several factors to consider when selecting what shoes to wear: color, chemical breakdown, dBA measurements, etc., but the most important factor is heel height. Your heel should measure precisely 2. 347645 inches. Any higher and you’ll be mistaken for a senator’s mistress, any lower and you’re a senator’s mistress who makes coffee runs.

 

2.) Use Your Voice:

It can be difficult getting your voice heard in politics, especially when your running mate is a swearing trumpet with hair. But like the great Maya Angelou said ‘I am Woman, hear me roar!’ So go out there and roar ladies- but don’t shout. You may be thinking, but there’s 2,600 people in this crowd…or I feel passionate about healthcare reform…or the NRA is literally shooting into the sky as I speak. That’s the talk of a shrill harpie. Personally, I never go anywhere without a large dry erase board or very detailed interpretive dance.

 

1.) Know What People are Really Saying:

It’s easy to think people are criticizing you rather than your political ideas. I just tell myself whenever someone calls me cactus legs, pushy, high strung, bossy, emotional, frumpy, bitch, abrasive, fussy, unqualified, Femi-nazi jezebel, sassy, or stank cabbage, what they are really trying to say is ‘I disagree with your stimulus plan.’

 

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