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Man Undergoes Testical Removal Procedure to Complete Lance Armstrong Costume


Jim Johns has decided to go all in for Halloween this year. He’s always been a huge fan of the holiday. “My first memory of celebrating Halloween was when I was 2. I dressed up as Sexy Bill Clinton. And now, eighteen years later, I am doing something that has never been done before. I am changing the Halloween game,” Johns told us while showing off the pile of old costumes in his apartment. 


Johns says that he spent a lot of time pondering what he should be this coming night of horror. He had many ideas, some good and some bad, but after a long and arduous brain storm session Johns decided he would “do something bold.” He decided he was going to wear a Lance Armstrong costume. He would have a bike, a yellow shirt, a helmet, basically all the traditional Armstrong components.


But when he started to plan his costume, he realized that there was something missing; something that prevented him from having the perfect Lance Armstrong costume. “At first I thought that I’d just skip over it,” he told us, grinning. “I thought, no one would notice this small detail, how could they? And if they asked I’d just lie… but then I asked myself, ‘How could I live with myself? Living a lie.‘ So, I went under the knife.” 


Johns decided that in order to complete his costume he would have one of his testicles removed. “You know there is that saying that we all know which is go big or go home, and I will not be going home this Halloween I will tell you that.” This is a new frontier in Halloween costuming. There have been no recorded instances of surgery use in order to complete a costume.


Jim Johns is truly a pioneer, like Bill Gates or the guy who made Chipotle. He is taking a step into the future of physically changing your body to match your Halloween costume. It won’t be very long until we see people all across the country having operations done just like this to make a costume more authentic: sexy cats with genetically grown and/or sewn-on cat ears, actual Frankensteins, headless horseman, you name it! 


Johns says that he doesn’t wish to belittle other Halloween participants who don’t go as far as he does. “Look we all have to figure out what we are comfortable with. Some people just put a sheet over their head and claim to be a ghost. And that is fine. I don’t have a problem with that. Ghosts are great! But for me that is not enough. That’s why I had this procedure done. I just hold myself to a higher standard, and maybe someday others will join me. Probably not though.”


If you see a man riding a bike with a yellow shirt and a helmet on October 31st, you aren’t actually looking at Lance Armstrong. But in a lot of ways, you pretty much are. So get excited! It’s not often that you almost get to see a seven time Tour de France winner.


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