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New Student Union Gazebo Considered Modern Masterpiece, Valued At $30 Million


The cultural phenomenon known as the “gazebo”  — one of the only pieces of lawn furniture that begins with the letter G — recently spread to the UNT campus with a newly installed gazebo in front of the Student Union. So what will the gazebo bring to UNT in all its gazeboing glory? 


“We love the way that it turned out,” said Jess Talbot founder of the Lawn Furniture Appreciation Club. “Our organization focuses on the display of outstanding pieces of lawn furniture from the past present and future. This gazebo that has been placed here is a truly special piece. Some are calling it the gazebo of all gazebos; the Sistine Chapel of gazebos, really.” This kind of praise is leading experts to place the monetary value of this gazebo somewhere in the 30 million dollar range. The numbers continue to rise.


Despite the large amount of money involved, the university has no intent to sell the gazebo. “We are doing fine right now financially,” said Jocelyn McFee, a UNT financial supervisor. “The number of super seniors we have is growing as we have foreseen it, so we aren’t in any desperate need of cash.” The university has increased the security near the gazebo in an attempt to prevent any unwanted ‘zebo theft.


“We are proud of our defensive efforts,”  said Jeremy Lamb, the newly appointed UNT Secretary of Defense. “You have a better chance of stealing the Declaration of Independence than stealing our gazebo, it’s just that simple.” Snipers have been posted on the surrounding rooftops and a moat with sharks has been dug around the gazebo itself. Four thieves have been stopped so far, all of which lost 1-2 limbs to the shark moat.


The artist responsible for the gazebo is very happy with how the university is protecting his piece. “I like to think what Jesus did for carpentry is what I did for gazebo craftsmanship. I am giving the people out there something to aspire to. Something to dream about.”


He refuses to have his real name used, as he is fearful that too many “gazebo heads” will harass him in his everyday life. Instead he goes by the name “Michelangelo,” and he gave The Black Sheep an inside exclusive on his next project. “This time next year, you’ll all be seeing a gazebo touching down on Mars,” said Michelangelo. “I’m in early talks with NASA, but things are looking promising. I don’t want to say too much but it’s looking like we will be resurrecting Neil Armstrong to lead the mission.”


For the time being, UNT has the most wonderful gazebo in the entire world. It is truly something to behold. The Black Sheep recommends that you bring riot gear and bulletproof vests to protect from snipers, along with a large stick to fend off the hostile sharks. This will allow you to bask in the glory of the gazebo comfortably, and without the possibility of death or limb loss.


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