Ah yes, sin. A foe unmatched throughout time, sin has always been there to perpetuate evil and various other things. Here at UNT, we deal with the seven sins on a daily basis.
Gluttony – Feeding the Squirrels:
So much food is consumed on our campus that we’ve grown a sizable squirrel population. We’ve become so gluttonous at UNT that our squirrels are often seen eating pizza, and smoking cigarettes outside the Union. Who knows where our gluttonous ways will lead these squirrels, especially our dear albino squirrel, whose pizza eating, gambling and other human-learned behaviors have led him to befriend Kim Jong-un and Danny Ocean (of Ocean’s 13), among others.
Wrath — Campus Bikers:
Buried deep in the heart of every a bike rider is the desire to flirt with manslaughter. The bike operators at our school constantly ride above the sidewalk-sanctioned speed limit, they ride without any respect for human life, and they laugh maniacally as they zoom past. Meanwhile, deep down in walkers’ minds lie several scenarios of pushing said bikers off their chariots of sin.
Greed – The Smoothie King:
Found at our beautiful Pohl Rec, Smoothie King’s smoothies are delicious, there is no denying what is a most certain truth. However, just because something is delicious does not permit the King of Smoothies to decree we pay an ungodly amount for some blended up fruit.
Envy — Hoverboards:
Unfortunately, the university took away our hoverboards, and now whenever we see one freewheelin’ through the world without a care in the world, we must hold back feelings of jealousy, keep our heads low, and continue grinding until we can one day reclaim hoverboards of our own.
Sloth — Public Napping:
At any moment, hundreds of students across campus are napping in uncomfortable positions, in front of another hundred students walking to class. The place to nap is not in view of conscious people — your nap is bothersome to those who witness it. It makes everyone else want to nap, and what’s going to happen when all of a sudden everyone everywhere is napping all the time?
Pride — Loud Music in Willis:
‘Ye who are to above keeping your volume down in the basement of Willis have no place here. A noise of any kind that takes place in this silent sanctuary will be met with the harshest of responses. Wedgies, sideways glances, and even jail time are penalties to those who have committed this act.
Lust — PDA:
Who knows how many children have been conceived in the basement of Sycamore Hall. As a favor to those of us who do not make children out in the open, please limit your behavior to private areas. Maybe a bathroom, or the garden at the rooftop of our newly refurbished Student Union.