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The 7 Darker Sides of Santa’s Operation

Jolly Old Saint Nick, they call him. He’ll bring you presents, you’ll leave him cookies, you’ll laugh. Everything’s great.


No, you’ve been sold a lie. Santa is full of shit, and we’ll tell you why:


7.) A tendency to avoid all dietary restrictions:

When it comes time for Santa to eat, only the least nutritious will do. This simply must change. Despite the threat of late-onset diabetes and numerous warnings from all of his physicians, Santa cannot kick the cookies and milk addiction that has followed him throughout his entire eternal life. If we want to have Kris Kringle thirty years from now, he better start drinking V8 sooner than later.


6.) His constant maltreatment of the reindeer:

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen? Commit and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen? And that red nosed Rudolph character? Well, Santa has abused them all. Their diet consists only of discarded cookie scraps, and he even makes them drink a toxic potion to induce flight. Mrs. Claus also tells them stories about her college experiences, which could be considered a form of torture.


5.) His PR team is terrible:

His PR team, which entirely consists of elves, are not tall enough to photograph JOSN (Jolly Old Saint Nick). A photo of Santa has not been taken in the history of his existence, and some say it would be wise for Santa to prove his existence soon. Given that the number of his supporters is dwindling, Kris Kringle needs to come out into the open and show the world what we’re missing.


4.) He has a suspicious contract with Coca-Cola

It is fact that Santa and the company known as Coca-Cola have a long relationship. He went corporate and did not stay independent as he was supposed to. This gives Coca-Cola an unfair advantage in regards to competing soda brands who do not have a mystical entity who partner with them. The fact that Santa would stand for such an evil act is undeniable and should be known by all. Sierra Mist and Dr. Thunder deserve a chance.


3.) Santa is working with the NSA:

Santa is making his list, he is checking it twice, but the NSA is checking it the third time. Don’t be fooled. Every single toy and gift that you wish for is instantly reported to the NSA via old white beard himself. When you decide what you want to get for Christmas this year, make sure it is something that you don’t want the NSA to know. If you do, it might be the NSA coming down your chimney next.


2.) Santa’s nuclear stockpile:

Underneath his humble abode lies the largest stockpile of nuclear weapons in the western/northern world. It is time that JOSN destroys his weaponry and takes an important step towards peace. If Kringle decides to do business with the wrong hands, we could have World War III on our hands. Santa would have the responsibility of countless deaths on his hands, for having caused the war we have on our hands with his hands.


1.) Elf exploitation:

Wherever you are right now, stop and think about Santa’s workshop. What do you see? Thousands of elves working tirelessly to make millions of presents to be delivered to boys and girls across this planet. If Santa truly is a non-profit organization, where does his money come from? How can he possibly afford to pay a living wage to an entire species? It’s simply impossible. If you look at the facts, it is undeniable that Santa regularly takes advantage of the good-hearted nature of the Elven people. They wont speak up, so we must. It’s time that the Elves got the respect and wages they so deserve.


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