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UNT Administration Solves Campus Safety Issues by Telling Prospective Students To Lose Expectations of Safety

 

In light of the media coverage over the alleged mishandling of Jane Doe’s sexual assault case, the University of North Texas administration has announced that they will from now on let students know on applications to “not expect much” in the way of serious care and concern from UNT’s administration.

 

President Neal Smatresk clarified in a recent statement from his office at the Hurley Administration Building, “Due to all the hubbub regarding the alleged mishandling of the case of Jane Doe, the administration and myself have decided that we will notify prospective students on applications of our lack of shits to give about them in the event of sexual assault, so they will not be under any false impression of protection from the administration.” President Smatresk also stated, “There’s a lot less public outrage when everyone knows from the beginning there’s no guarantee for justice or transparency, as in the case of Jane Doe.”

 

“Faculty generally giving a shit is on a professor by professor basis, and we will respect their decision whether or not to care either way,” Smatresk added hastily. “But, we won’t.”

 

Students reacted to the announcement with relief that they would not be mislead into thinking they’re anything more than walking moneybags.

 

“Oh thank goodness!” exclaimed business major Jennifer Richards. “At least I know from the beginning not to expect the university to genuinely give a damn about me! Saves a lot of worry.”

 

In unrelated news, UNT formally accepted their membership invite to the Universities Who Have Perfectly Handled Sexual Assault Cases And Have Not Done Anything Wrong Club, where membership is steadily increasing across the nation.

 

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